A Love Letter

I guess, one of the hazards of being together for quite sometime is that I write love letters very seldom and I have this tendency to be somewhat complacent.

But because as my favorite song goes - "I love you more today than yesterday... but not as much as tomorrow" - I felt the need to write a love letter to make her smile. And I intend to write her love letters even when we become residents and flatmates at Golden Acres.

dearest V,

you are not perfect but I would like to believe you were made perfectly for me.

you're beautiful. how your round eyes hypnotize and enchant me. your cheeks so warm and tender. your long black hair, the wonderful smell of it and your inviting and soft lips. your voluptuous body to which my eyes are always fixated to. your satin-like and flawless legs. you are a breathing testament as one of God's wonderful creations.

you are intelligent. you challenge me into an intellectual intercourse everytime I am with you. you prefer silence yet when your lips begin to utter words, I am dumb-founded. you are witty, smart, classy and a very clever lady.

and I am madly in love with you as I think you are to me.

you're the only person and woman for that matter, that made me realize how wonderful my life would be now and beyond if you're in it.

we're so different and so alike in many ways. our (in)differences towards some people, matter and some things bring so much diversity and color in our relationship. we clash but we learn to meet halfway. compromise and make amends.

we are both strong people with our own frailties which we both rejoice and protect.

your attitude and your behavior totally contradicts mine but in a complementing way. we are two individuals with two separate worlds. and in our own space and time, we try to reconcile and make rhythm and rhyme.

you continuously challenge me to rise above my personal mediocrity and be a better person. you alone makes me look good. you stimulate my senses. you make intellectual intercourse better than any other intercourse I could ever think of.

at the end of the day, you're the only person that I could freely take off my mask from and be myself. no pretensions. no guards whatsoever. you understand my frustrations and helps me deal with them - one step a time. you cry with me for all the pain I am going through and nurses my wounded heart and soul.

above all, you are my true North - without whom I would be eternally damned and lost, without bearings or anything.


forever,

C

I'll Be Seeing You... In December

(Blogger's Note: I'll Be Seeing You is sung by Billie Holiday, was used by the movie, The Notebook - Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams starrer and a personal favorite of my dearly beloved. This is a personal e-mail of the blogger to her significant other whom she misses so.)

Dearest V (my one and only palangga and asawa),

I can think of a hundred and one reasons why you should stay but I know you have more than enough justifications why we need to be apart for the mean time.

I'll be missing you so much. I won't probably go to Starbucks until you are here. I can't imagine being there without reminiscing how fun it is to be with you or to even buy something there not having to remember that the very person I love the most is fond of the drink I despises in the whole wide world.

I want to buy you every Starbucks mug that they have because I want you to remember me whenever you drink coffee. I want to be with you even in spirit (Asian Spirit or M/V Spirit of Manila ) and to "keep you warm when you feel cold".

Despite the fact that it was rainy and wet when we went to Enchanted Kingdom, I couldn't be any happier knowing that it was both our first time there. I enjoyed every ride (even the Jungle Log Jam) and I knew nothing would go wrong because I have you with me. Next time, just don't lose the friggin' ticket.

I know, I wouldn't dare go to Powerplant or go near it because that has been our favorite mall (particularly yours) and our special mall away from all the Orcs' malls.

You make me smile and laugh whenever I see you envious of the one playing the piano, casually listening and singing along with whatever the trio lunchtime musicians would play or even jerk a bit when you really, really like the song they are playing.

I promise you, our kids will have piano lessons. If not for our money-saving plans, I might be considering enrolling myself in a piano lesson for adults. They say it's never too late. After all, piano lessons are just once a week, right?

I had a blast with you when we had dinner at MV Spirit of Manila. I sensed your hesitation but I've always wanted for us to do something out of the ordinary. Except for the incidental fish kill which I have no connection or fault whatsoever, I had the best time there. The famous Manila Bay sunset, a momentary cruise and you is plain perfect.

I hope to see a lot of sunrises and sunsets with you as we grow old together -- that is something that I look forward to in this marriage.

I have a "normal life" whenever you're here. You take away whatever imbalance I have in my life and that includes my hormones. I love you so much and it pains that we have to be so far from each other but because I trust you, I'll hold on.


C

Immortal Beloved

For lack of creative juice in my mind, allow me to borrow a letter from Ludwig Beethoven for his "Immortal Beloved". It was said that the letter has no known recipient but some scholars believe it was intended for Antonie Brentano, a married woman and younger by 10 years from Ludwig.

I wish to create a letter as unparalleled as Ludwig's. But I guess, the love that I have for my better half is a great legacy already that I can be so proud of. A love to last for our lifetime and beyond.

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.

She's Leaving On A Jetplane...

I borrowed John Denver's song for a while to describe how my partner will leave in a few days time from today and I'll be using this blog to tell the sob story of the one who gets left behind, always -- me.

This was the longest stay she did in Manila, almost a month and for most of the time, we saw each other. She's still not used to my prima donna attitude and the gruesome traffic jam of the metropolis.

She'll be leaving just when I'm getting the hang of it. Sheeeeesh!

I am tempted to go after her to get some vacation for myself as well but just the thought of the plane fare and hotel accommodation makes the kuripot in me wreak havoc. So I guess, I have to save for that in the future. Perhaps, some other time.

She promises to be here for Christmas and she has a roundtrip ticket, to boot but I am not counting much on that. I do not want to disappoint my Christmas spirit if ever supervening events hinder her from coming here.

I cannot pray for time to stand still in consideration for those who are wishing otherwise.

This may suck for some but I call this MY life.

*sighs*

The Sad Look In Her Eyes

I have this habit of just staring at her. Looking at her facial expression, how her lips move whenever she speaks, how she rolls her eyes and so much more. I take delight in doing so.

However, it burdens my heart and saddens me whenever I look at her and she cannot even try to smile. She's going through some domestic problems and all I can do is just watch her. I respect her decision not to tell me the intricate details of the story but she had informed of the gist of the story.

She rarely smiles lately. She doesnt even laugh at my corny jokes (oh well, I have a very bland and dry sense of humor but at least I try).

And it is difficult to try hard.

How ironic that the same person who makes me happy can be the same reason of my sadness.

Friends of Dorothy

She's perfect.

She's beautiful. How her round eyes hypnotize and enchant me. Her cheeks so warm and tender. Her long black hair, the wonderful smell of it and her inviting and soft lips. Her voluptuous body to which my eyes are always fixated to. Her satin-like and flawless legs. She is a breathing testament as one of God's wonderful creations.

She's intelligent. She challenges me into an intellectual intercourse everytime I am with her. She prefers silence yet when her lips begin to utter words, I am dumb-founded. Witty, smart and a very clever lady.

And I am madly in love with her as she is to me.

There's just one little, tiny baby hiccup problem in our setting: she is a woman and so am I.

This actually would not pose as a problem had it been we're citizens of Spain or Canada or anywhere else where same sex relationships are nothing but normal. But in the Philippines, a country where a sexually liberated woman is frowned upon and tagged as a whore and a bitch, how do you expect a homosexual affair to be received?

Actually, we're at an advantage here since we both look like your ordinary woman. We dont dress like guys, nor walk like one. She maintains a long black hair and I am a flirt by nature. Deceptive we may be but I guess, our actions whenever we're together speak loudly about who we really are. Not that we indulge to PDAs or public display of affections (groping her is a big no-no but I've kissed her in the cheeks and embraces her all the time), mind you.

She has a lot to lose should our relationship be known to people from her side and that I cannot afford. I'd like to protect her privacy much as I could.

On the other hand, my parents and the rest of my family are receptive of her and supportive of my decision in life to bring home and love a woman than a man.

Because of her precarious situation, we are always mindful of the places we go, of the malls we hang out in and of the restaurants we eat at, you get the picture. Much like Juliet + Juliet,
your lesbian version of the much celebrated Shakespearean love affair.

We've had our fair share of quizzical and odd looks/stares, personal attacks on our sexual preference and so on and so forth but the worse opponent in every relationship is our own self.

She's the quiet type and I thrive in noisy places. She likes to lay low while I hog the spotlight. She is a morning person and I am a nocturnal creature. She's very reserved and I am your typical loud-mouthed woman who cannot contain herself. And because we rarely see each other (we're on a long distance relationship by the way, how complicated can we ever get?), making love is like making an appointment to the President of the Philippines -- either she's not in the mood while I am so sexually charged or she's in the mood and my schedule does not permit me. I guess, making an appointment with the President is even easier than harmonizing our sexual moods, for that matter.

And despite of these all, we've managed to be together (happily and hopefully ever after) for 2 years and 4 months now. Whoever said that long lasting homosexual relationship is a myth have not been into one in his/her entire life.

Our Php 575,187.11 PLDT Bill

Since we are on a long distance relationship, communication and any means available is highly valuable for the both of us - a way to compensate for the time we cannot be together due to our circumstances.

When PLDT announced their 101010 promo, a value-added service for PLDT subscribers to be able to call on a cellphone for an unlimited time using the PLDT phone for just Php 10, it was indeed an answered prayer.

We are guilty of abusing this service to our heart's content but we pay accordingly. However, when I had to relocate along with my phone line, things got messy with PLDT at my expense.

And this brought havoc to a rather peaceful and seemingly nice morning:


Imagine the shock and horror to receive an eight-page bill amounting to Php 575,187.11!

I was able to talk to a supervisor of PLDT and assured me that this amount is but a system error.

PLDT made some miscalculations and their system was not able to determine that I subscribed to their promo.

Turned out I only owe them Php 6,652.22 for three (3) months unsettled bill which are attributable to them and to their "very efficient" system, by the way.

Actually, with that amount, I could have bought all the techy gadgets I have on my wishlist and still have Php 300,000 or more left.

My partner was not able to speak for two hours and I thought she'd have a heart attack until the conversation with the supervisor.

On a serious note, who wouldn't be scared? That's half a million already!

Until now, the bill remains disputed and PLDT has not given me a definitive and final amount.

However, for all the inconveniences we experience with PLDT, my loyalty belongs to them for they had given me so much to smile about except for their inefficiency, of course.

The Very Dark Past

I'd been thinking if I should write about this, protecting a part of my past I dare not speak. But I guess I see no reason why I should pass up the opportunity to tell the whole world that there is always hope at the end of the day.

I had quite a handful of boyfriends before I had my first same sex relationship. I never experienced any abuse of any sort with my previous boyfriends that's why when I had a lesbian partner, I thought it'll just be the same but turns out, I was in for a very, very unpleasant surprise.

She's not the butch/dyke type of lesbian. She dresses like a real femme and came from a reputable family from Cebu. She's an IT entrepreneur and a very educated one.

We were together for 7 months and I thank God I mustered the courage to get out of that relationship in no time.

Our first month was sheer bliss -- she'd cook for me, we'd go out a lot and had a great time until she revealed her true self the following month.

She's promiscuous, a liar, a cheater and physically and verbally abusive person.

She went to bed with different women while we were still together and that included having intercourse with her ex-girlfriend who cheated on her for a guy and the ex has a very loose reputation as well. I learned about all of these because I "hacked" her e-mail account when inconsistencies became apparent. I knew it was bad and unclassy of me but what's a girl got to do when the push turned to shove?

Apart from screwing her ex, one night stand were among her fave sexual activities - her chatmates, credit card agents, clients and prospects for her webhosting company -- she would all bed them so long as there was a willing participant.

The greatest revelation though to me came as a shocking one. Her little webhosting company, her condo rental etc were being financed by a Iranian-American guy who's as old as my grandfather and it turned out, they were not just business partners but they were romantically involved.

Talk about perversity!

And when I learned of her indiscretions and confronted her, she was so shocked but a smooth talker that she was and because I was lovefool and inexperienced, I forgave her and that's when my life became hell.

She's verbally abusive to the point that I totally lost my self-esteem and believed I was no good and nobody would ever love me. I let her demean me and my family and I just swallowed her insults. I let her mock my family just because we were not that financially endowed compared to her. I lost the person I used to be.

She didnt stop there though. Apart from her uncontrollable womanizing, she was so physically abusive. I would not want to go into details but let me tell you bruises, hematoma, scratches, bite marks and what-have-you were common during those days. But mind you, she knew where to strike. She wouldn't hit me at those areas which remained visible and concentrated on those that are usually covered. I would go to graduate school everyday as if I had come from an initiation rites and sitting in a chair was a Herculean task.

I was even more afraid of contracting disease because of her promiscuity. I come from a family of doctors and nurses and that would be embarrassing should I acquire any disease. Not to mention, outrightly unhygienic. When I refused all her sexual advances, she got furious and that started most of the beating.

I never told a soul what I was going through. I didnt want to burden anybody nor admit implicitly that taking her as a partner was a mistake.

December 2004, after 7 agonizing months, when I called it quits. I just woke up one morning and it dawned on me that she'd never change. That no matter how hard I try to make her feel that she was loved by me, the abuses wouldnt stop. That by staying longer, I was giving her enough reasons to hurt me in unimaginable ways.

Fast forward 2007. I can say I am happy and at peace now. I am with a lesbian lover who treats me right and accordingly. She knows of my past and had accepted me and taught me that nobody has the right to hurt me or any person for that matter. My family and friends helped me when I was searching for my old self. I am pursuing my dream in the legal profession and has been blessed to be loved by people around me.

Sometimes, smart women commit stupid mistakes. It's what they had learned and the act of preventing themselves to do the same mistakes that matters after coming out of the hell hole.

My ex still communicates with me (the nerve) and wants me back. From what I know, she's financially troubled and has never had any constant lover.

It's called karma, baby and it goes around...

If Wishes Were Fishes And I Had A Net...

Whenever I get hurt or is going through a painful phase, I turn to my imaginations to somehow uplift my spirit.

I let my mind wander and just like Peter Pan, I think of my happy moments and this has been my therapy for years.

From death of a loved one to breaking up to realizing all the frustrations I have to being cheated on and so on and so forth, it's in my imagination and creative mind that I find solace without the need to runaway or hide from the source of pain.

I write this not because I am going through an emotional thing nor am I in a hiatus mode. I write because this has been one of my most effective coping up mechanisms in life.

I've been reading a lot in a certain female message board about their loved ones committing infidelity and I can't help but relate. I've been in that shoes one too many times already.

The agony of being, as always, the last to know and not expecting to be hurt by someone you've given up your entire world for; the self-inflicted mental torture you put on yourself looking for reasons why it had to happen -- was it something about the way you look, dress, speak etc.; the pain of having to act as if everything is normal in order to survive the daily jungle of life yet deep down, your fortress are crumbling down; torned between your heart and your mind -- one's asking you to forgive while the other is asking you to forgive then leave and worst of all, crying yourself to sleep at night.

I totally believe that cheating is a personal choice. It has nothing to do with whoever you are with no matter how she/he dresses, acts, speaks etc. After all, why do you have to be in a relationship when in fact you despise your partner? Why not just end it than cause a lot of mess by cheating? While breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend is a lot easier than going separate ways in any given marriage, I think no sane person will choose to sleep with someone who fools around. It's like going to bed with the third party. And nobody has the right to say he/she cheated because the partner gave him/her reasons to.

And I guess the hardest part of all this fiasco is when you've decided to keep the relationship because of what else but love and you try hard to move on. You just cannot trust that easy and the relationship has been dented. I don't know if a relationship such as that will still work out as I am in the process of finding out myself but one thing is absolute - things will never be the same again.

My wounds are all healing but my mind is pestered once in a while by the ugly memories of the past. It's hard and it's taking a lot of time. Forgiveness can never be instant nor done in an overnight, it has to be earned and we're speaking here of months or even years before an ounce of that trust can be rebuilt.

In my mind, there are still questions left unanswered. Questions that haunt me even in my dreams. Questions that had never found any resolution until now.

Perhaps, in due time. When I have no more room for anger and bitterness...

For now, I am at a point in my life where I try to be at peace with myself knowing I had done no wrong and I ought to forgive myself for not being perfect. After all, who is?

If wishes were fishes and I had a net...

100-Peso Happiness

I'm never a fan of sale nor 99-peso stores or of three (3) items for hundred pesos and other marketing gimmicks. I see them as deception guised making consumers believe they are getting their money's worth. But I frequent Divisoria just the same not because it's my main route going to school nor due to the fact I live just five minutes away from it -- I hate to admit it to the rest of the world but I am self-confessed cheapskate "smart" buyer (ehem!).

Just before Christmas, I bought two of my inaanak a Christmas gift. To be honest, I was not quite satisfied with what I bought but since I was on a tight budget, I had no choice. To think, the items I bought were relatively good.

Just how much is the purchasing power of a hundred peso nowadays?

... 15-peso short from the Php 115 electronic load to be able to call for 13 minutes and send 115 text messages (but there's always the 60 pesos e-load... this goes for smart prepaid subscribers, by the way)
... enough to buy me a 24/7 Sun Call and Text Unlimited which will last for seven (7) days -- that is, if Edwin Manabat and his Sun cohorts work on the resumption of their service in that area!!! (Php 100)
... I can still buy a venti-sized Guava juice at Starbucks and be able to chill there for the rest of the day and still have a 10-peso change. (Php 90)
... Bob Ong's Alamat ng Gubat book (hi Tong!add me sa Friendster!) Php 100 at National Bookstore (I should be credited for plugging his book -- hehehehehehehehehe)
... not enough for a domestic terminal fee, though which used to be just a 100 peso -- now it's 200, but still not a WiFi hotspot!

(i'm tired of enumerating already... will go direct to my point! whew!)

... and a hundred peso PLDT Touch card -- enough to make me call for 34 minutes (should you choose the Tagalog language).

It is my decision and I will stand by it no matter how difficult and heart-wrenching our situation is. Not that I'm complaining. I'm just stating it as a matter of fact, the-person-who-must-not-be-named... (is that you, Mrs. Voldemort?!)

For 34 minutes, I savor every moment. Treat it as if it's always my last call.

Honestly, I used to be a freak when it comes to money -- I spend it as if I'm one of the descendants of Richie Rich, here, there and everywhere but now, I am reformed (alien!!! raise the roof!!!).

I count my change now; no longer an obssessive-compulsive buyer; I rarely take cabs now unless necessary; I try to save and save and save so that for 34 minutes, I become a magician and make our distance disappear.

I have to content myself with what I have now. With that 34 minutes. If only I could reason with the top honchos of PLDT to extend our time and make it last long, even eating buriring for breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner and midnight snack I will do for them... I will also join Fear Factor should the need arises.

I'm not a masochist. I do not like to inflict pain to myself. I have very low treshold for pain. But, I give credit to Julia Fordham for stating the obvious, indeed, love moves in mysterious ways.

Love demands a leap of faith and so does a big leap from NCR to another distant region.

And even for 34 minutes worth a hundred pesos, indescribable joy sets in my heart.

Happiness comes in many forms... just now that in this life of mine I appreciated how much a hundred peso can make the happiest person out of me.

And should I win a million pesos in Game Ka Na Ba? -- of course I'll no longer buy another Touch card. Instead, a one-way ticket... and leave on a jetplane.

Enough of wishful thinking...

...Someday...

If there's one song I won't get tired of ever listening to is Nina's Someday. Composed and written by Nyoy Volante, it depicts of a person's hope that someday, there will a come a person who'll see through her and will treat her right -- quite the exact opposite of what she gets in the relationship she has right now.

As unfortunate as it can be, the only thing we can't do in any given relationship is to tell the person exactly how we want to be treated and loved. Worse, to even say, "love me" or better yet ask a heart to open its door when it has chosen otherwise.

As unlucky as an unrequited love is a one-sided relationship that sees not your worth and because of love, that oh so stupid love, you stay and hope, thinking the person will have a change of heart.

Despite the pathetic treatment, you still can't find the strength to leave him and move on -- not because we're plain suckers for agony and hurt but simply because you love the person and there's no rational explanation for that no matter how you try.

Someday
Nina

Someday you’ll gonna realize,
One day you’ll see this through my eyes.
But then I won't even be there,
I’ll be happy somewhere,
Even if I can't.

I know,
You don’t really see my worth.
You think you're the last guy on earth
We’ll I've got news for you,
I know I’m not that strong
But it won’t take long
Won’t take long...

Someday, someone's gonna love me.
The way, I wanted you to need me.
Someday, someone's gonna take your place.
One day I’ll forget about you,
You’ll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday...

But now,
I know you can tell,
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye.

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me,
The way, I wanted you to need me.
Someday, someone's gonna take your place.
One day, I’ll forget about you,
You’ll see, I won’t even miss you,
Someday, I know someone's gonna be there...

Someday, someone's gonna love me,
The way, I wanted you to need me.
Someday, someone's gonna take your place.
One day, I’ll forget about you,
You’ll see, I won’t even miss you,
Someday, someday...

Kinda proves the universal truth that no matter who and what we are in life, we all experience the same kind of joy, pain and hurt and join each other's misery through a song that dreams of a love we all long to have... someday.

Conversations With The Wall

Have you tried talking to a wall? I do... everyday.

I tell the wall everything I have in my mind and in my heart. Pouring everything that is inside me to prevent myself from exploding. I read cases to the wall and give out my unsolicited thoughts to my heart's satisfaction.

Despite my nonsensical mumblings, the wall doesn't complain though I wish it does.

The wall is rather very cold and very unresponsive. But what am I saying? For God's sake, it's a wall!

Sometimes, I'm happy that it's a wall -- a mute witness to every heartache, frustrations and tears I hide. It doesn't blame me for every wrong turn I make. It doesn't dispute me. It doesn't care but it's there... at least it's there. Such presence counts. It does. Significantly.

Just like with loneliness, I dine and sleep with the wall.

The wall and loneliness as friends -- that's how I live my life. Not an ideal one I guess but it's a life... or at least that's what I treat of it.

After endless conversations with the wall, I realized something...





There's no wall... Only a fortress made out of melancholy.

Grow Old With You

Like everybody else in this planet, I am afraid of growing old alone.

In the legal academe where we study the intricacies of the grounds and legal actions taken by couples whose marriage cannot work for them in one way or another, the hopeless romantic in me has never been forgotten nor forsaken. I pity them for having had to contract marriage out of any other reasons but love. For taking each other in paper only but in reality, that's just plain crappy and shitty.

I still believe that if you truly love the person whom you had promised to spend your life with, there will always be a way to settle indifferences and make up for your inequities. Otherwise, do not get married at all and add up to the statistic.

I love the idea of taking care of someone and being taken cared of just the same when you're both old and gray...

Funny how I usually imagine how I will look like -- gravity will take its toll on my skin and appearance yet that person can still get to say that I'm the most beautiful woman...

Our sense of hearing will fail us and we will have to shout at each other to convey what we want to say yet when we hold hands and look at each other's eyes, words need not be expressed... we just know that despite aging, our love is sheer timeless.

Then there will be times when our memories will have its lapses and continuously detoriate... True, it will be painful to see your partner becoming senile and all but therein goes the hope that love has created in our hearts -- the mind may forget but the heart never will.

Patience will surely run out, the house will be as tupsy turvy and as smelly as hell, embarrassing moments will occur more frequent and things will be remembered or often times -- otherwise but the vow to stick through thick or thin; for richer and for poorer and in sickness and in health remains unbroken.

On a personal note, I think that's the REAL essence of marriage -- it's not just about the union, the purpose to perpetuate and perform your marital obligations but to love one another unconditionally and without mental reservations. To love and marry, what your partner might become whether be it better or worse and not just for who he/she is now or how he/she looks.

I'd like to grow old with someone whom I truly love. Someone whom I'll look after and will do the same to me. Someone whom I'll be more than willing to trade the years I have left just so that person's life could be prolonged and that person's existence, though quite useless as others may opine, will surely be my moving reason to fulfill my marriage vow... to love and to cherish that person, til death do us part.

Age does not protect you from love.
But love, to some extent, protects you from age.

- Jeanne Moreau

As Simple As That...

I do not worry about my future -- other people do.

I study hard and work doubly harder. I am a self-confessed perfectionist and masochist at the same time. I am both a dreamer and a miracle-worker. I have no problem with the way I rule my life -- some people just can't be happy for me.

In this race that we call life, people tend to measure one's success through acquisition and amassing material wealth. Chief is the rule -- the more expensive it is, the better. Therein lies the conflict. I want to have a simple life. I do not intend to be neighbors with Jaime Augusto Zobel de Ayala nor be superfriends with rich and the elite class.

So how do I define a simple life?

A simple life need not be lived in a posh or exclusive village or condominium tower. I need not live in the metropolis as well. A laid back life is a welcome sight. A house fronting a body of water where I can have the view of everything money CAN'T buy.

Honestly, it's been years since I've been telling myself that should I graduate and pass the bar exams, I won't be practicing in Manila. I'd like to venture into the countryside and be a legal pain in the ass there...

I'm not much of an adventurist but having spent my entire screwed life here in the big city, I'd like to live somewhere traffic is unheard of, the air is unpolluted and where Php 50.00 goes a long way.

I know my thoughts are just too nuts. A lot of people from the province flock to Manila to seek greener pastures and here I am professing otherwise. My sanity has not escaped me yet (thank God!) and I know what I want.

I need not be a hot shot lawyer nor a famous legal counsel being interviewed in the TV every now and then for handling cases of well known persona. That's not me. Neither it is my dream to leave this land, settle and work abroad.

It has always been one of my principles that if I could make it here, there's no need for me to go out since it will be a piece of cake. The challenge is here. Just that, the bigger money is elsewhere. However, I can live with that.

I am not afraid of the competition nor I am running away from it. I live a different life and one of my goals in life is to create a change. Make a difference. In doing so, I have to look for anothr playing field. One that involves more effort, demands more time, more human interaction yet little compensation... I want to serve people in ways that I can. Have a modest source of income and live a simple yet comfortable life. That's not idealistic crap... That's just me.

A decent house. Food on the table. Beautiful and smart kids (I am predisposed to have kids like that -- blame genetics). A devoted and loving partner. Peaceful sleep at night. Refreshing morning.

Am I dreaming?

Nah. As I write this entry, I'm working on it, baby.

Umuwi Ka Na Baby...

The obsessive-complusive in me is playing the song of Orange and Lemons' Hanggang Kailan for two (2) whole days now... and my family members are already complaining but they can't do a thing, though.

Had it been that I am not in love to a very wonderful person, I wouldn't bother listening to it at all. The song is too cheesy and mushy and is quite contrary to my musical preferrence. But the meaning is so close to home.

"Umuwi ka na, Baby..."

Same sentiments but I have no courage to utter these words in a serious manner. As I will be down right inconsiderate.

"Di na ako sanay ng wala ka
Mahirap ang mag-isa
At sa gabi'y hinahanap hanap kita..."

Lonely are the nights... even colder whenever I stare at my empty bed. I wanted the person badly to lie next to me at night and the first person my eyes will see in the morning. But my life should go on whether the person's around or not. It's hard but it's my choice.

Enough of this entry...it's making me cry already.

Umuwi ka na, BaBy -- PLEASE?!

The LDR Song

Isipin Mo Na Lang

Sung by: Bayang Barrios
Composed by: Mike Villegas
From the album: ALON
OST of Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros

Nangangamba ka ba
Na ngayong malayo ka
Ako kaya ay magbago

Hinahanap ko ba sa iba ang ligaya
Ngayong tayo’y magkalayo

Manatili’t huwag matinag
Sa pag-ibig mo ay bihag
Ang puso kong ito

Isipin mo na lang, ang ating samahan
At ang pag-ibig ko sa ‘yo
Isipin mo na lang, ang ating samahan
At ang pag-ibig ko sa ‘yo

Isipin mo na lang, ngayong natagpuan
Tunay na magmamahal sa akin
At ang nag-iisang hadlang
Ay ang pansamantalang paghihintay
Ba’t di ko gagawin

Manatili’t huwag matinag
Sa pag-ibig mo ay bihag
Ang puso kong ito

Not everybody can appreciate long distance relationship as it is.

They say it's a waste of time and a lot of struggle. Ergo, too exhausting, too expensive and very impractical.

But when you're into an LDR, one has to invest a lot of trust and love. It involves greater risk on both part since physical presence is absent.

To trust that love is reason enough to keep a person away from temptaions and human vulnerabilities...

To trust that love will withstand the distance and the loneliness...

To trust that love will wait for the realization of that one great dream of being reunited once more and be with each other for good...

The same sentiments and dream I share with other people whose distance did not deter them from letting love get through the other end -- across borders, beyond miles and separated by geographic locations.

Very Private Me

I spent Christmas today in the confines of our house. Savoring solitude. Quite contrary to what my sister cum brother is doing right this very moment -- partying to the loud music and 20,000% sure that his stomach is already an alcohol reservoir.

I'm not having a lonely Christmas. Truth be told, I am very happy nowadays and at peace with myself -- despite the fact that Sun Cellular is non-existent still, Smart had ceased their Unlimited Text, soon I have to attend the corporate stockholders' meeting of PLDT due to my expensive phone bill, among others.

I realized that I need not go public for most of the time and blab to the whole world about what makes me tick, what makes me glow. If there's anything my relationship has taught me, it's the value of being private about personal matters which I used to rebel against.

I didn't get my coveted Nokia N70 or the iPod video this Christmas but I got the best gift I ever had way ahead of the yuletide season...



... and I know where I truly belong.

Maxi and Me

I had the chance to watch this film a couple of days ago at Glorietta. Funny and heart-warming.

I was not quite amused with Maxi and his gay friends since I grew up together with my younger brother who chose to have a sexuality different from that of when he was born.

You should meet my sister cum brother -- I tell you, he's a lot funnier.

What struck me though was the acceptance of his father despite their macho image in their area. Such rare instances! My father accepted my brother easily despite my father's tough personality. My father knew it was a pure personal choice his son made and that he could never undo nor interfere with.

Most gay people I know are still hiding in their closets. Afraid of the repercussions and "shame" they would bring to their family once their well-kept secret is revealed.

I find our society so hypocrite when it comes to our gay and lesbian community. We laugh at them yet we despise the thought that one of our family members might be one of them.

We think how lewd it would be -- a man to man or a femme to femme relationship. And had forgotten that for most of the time, a relationship involves love primarily and not just about sex. We see the dot but not the entirety of the paper.

Homosexuality is not a communicable disease nor a crime.

It's a choice and as a choice, I give them high regards.

It is not embarrassing either to choose your own sexuality nor an aberration of your genetic make up. Moralists and holier than thou will surely debate me about my stand but I say, cast thy first stone.

I respect my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters as much as I respect any person. Their choice of lifestyle doesn't make them any less normal at all. Why be ashamed of them?

They are even a lot greater individual for sticking with their decision and proud of it. They have the guts to go against the tide and be ok with it.

I wish people would stop the prejudice and the judgemental attitude -- they're just manifesting how under developed their mental faculties are.

The Big Fish

When I was growing up, I could vividly remember how certain I was of my plan for ehem... being the President of this country (my military allies and COMELEC friendships will surely help me cheat...errr... win, I meant) and go for world domination. And while I was busy occupying my mind with the idea of taking over this entire planet, my playmates and classmates alike were busy planning how to get boys' attentions, their dream guys and fantasy weddings.

Until I got a bit older, instilled in my mind the same nasty plans and always driven to go one step higher and get out of the usual mediocrity. On the other hand, I had changed friends from high school to college to Masteral to Law School but I still hear the same things my childhood friends were also discussing before, only this time, the plans grew more elaborate and quite expensive.

Right from the very start, I knew marriage was not for me.

I grew up in a conventional and traditional family... so stop trying to analyze why I have this skewed concept over myself and marriage... THEN.

I just didn't see myself sharing my bed to anybody else but me. I never wanted anybody seeing me sleeping, my face half buried in the pillow, disheveled hair and all that crap in the morning. I didn't like the idea of cooking for anybody else unless I wanted to. My idea of fun is being in solitude. The house to myself.

I didn't want anybody to see the other side of me -- the vulnerable one, the mushy one, the spiritual one, the childish one and yes, even my ugly temper. I had built a solid fortress around me for so long and I never wanted someone to intrude up until love knocked in my highly-guarded castle and I knew right then it would be chaotic and would bring havoc and mayhem to the semblance of order that I have.

And out of all the mistakes I have committed in my life, I knew loving was the most correct thing I ever did and this time, I knew my heart is beating right.

Now, I don't want to be the "Big Fish" that refuses to be caught. I joined my friends in the wagon of love -- in their dreams of "That Day" and "The One". I am quite fine with the idea of being weak and vulnerable in front of that person. Letting my true colors show. Being crazy in love and finally, letting somebody sleep with me in the same bed.

I don't mind if I don't get to dominate the world... No more plans of one currency and one passport... But don't be fooled -- I still want to be the Chief Executive of this country (say your prayers Francis Escudero!). Just for the time being, my biological and social clocks are ticking. Politics can wait and so is Malacanang.

Truly some things in this life can never be postponed or suspended nor be discarded because we thought they would never materialize and vanished the thought of great possibilities and of endless chances.

God is indeed good and that life is beautiful.

Right now, life couldn't get any better than settling down with the one I love and finally getting to say this vow... until death do us part.

Bottled Thoughts

Along with the streams and mountains of codal provisions, jurisprudences, insurmountable case digests and an unfinished appellant's brief, in between my chaotic and tupsy turvy world (and my room), is this loneliness inside.

I miss HER. I miss the person that I am whenever SHE's around.

Figaro. Baywalk. Max's. Coffee Bean. Oody's. Thumb's Up. Robinson's Place Manila. Greenbelt 3. Glorietta. Digital Exchange. 714. PANGGABLE.

I am going out of my head.

I realized I cannot just make things happen no matter how bad I want them to be. I just cannot take a person out of HER world and bring HER to mine because that will be unfair and plain selfish of me.

That will take an act of God. So for now, I am asking for a miracle.

And I'll keep my faith along with my fingers crossed.

To the person I truly miss most...and to the oceans, seas and islands that keep us apart.

Dagat
by Gary Granada

Namamaybay
ang tubig sa paypay
ng hanging habagat

Dumadampi
sa umaasang pisngi
ng tabing-dagat

Dagat na pagitan
ng ating pag-ibig
singlawak,singlayo, singlalim
Ngunit sa isang panig
dagat ang nagsasanib
ng dalampasigan mo sa 'kin

Namamangka
ang aking diwa
sa nakalipas

Tumatawid
sa ibayong daigdig
ng ating bukas

Sa dagat ng pangako
sa laot ng pangarap
sa alon ng iyong mga halik

Dagat din ang luha
ng pusong naghihirap
naghihintay sa iyong
pagbabalik...

The Deal About The Green-Eyed Monster

Ralph Fiennes once said in the movie The End of The Affair, "I measure my love on the extent of my jealousy..."

I admit it, I am a jealous lover and this I can't get out of my system already. Something which has been a source of constant and endless tiff with my lover and I.

I do not like it when my lover looks at beautiful girls or when my lover chats or is online when I am not (overly possessive, eh?) and yes, I do get jealous when my lover receives text messages from people I don't know and from people my lover is not supposed to get text from. And above all this, I get jealous with the mere thought of my lover's ex (with this topic, I can't help but nag a lot!).

A deviation from the usual routine irks me, too. And because of my jealousy, I sometimes get too irrational.

Do I really have a grounded reason? With all the assurance I get, I know I shouldn't be but the green-eyed monster listens not to any justification. It just feels like it.

I am fully aware I am talking nonsensical things here though this isn't my first to be.

Why am I blabbing all of these?

Because she didn't call me when she was supposed to...

Because she didn't even text me the whole morning and it wasn't her usual...

Though I knew how busy she was...

Though I knew she had a valid justification...

My logic dissipates whenever the green-eyed monster is present and so for now, I am off to treating her silently once again.

I hope by tonight, the green-eyed monster has gone somewhere else so we can be back to our state of peace -- playing Bookworm and competing with each other who gets the highest score, munching on Oishi's salted potato chips or just plain whispering to each other about sweet nothings.

The Secret I Wish To Keep

Within my twisted and insane mind lies the craziest stunt I am going to pull come Wednesday...

They say that wearing your heart on your sleeves makes you defenseless and vulnerable -- should that be the case, I admit to succumbing this early... and I fear not of any bullet nor any mortal wound the enemy might inflict because I wouldn't want to lose this battle... not this one -- NOT HER.

I am at war yet I am at peace with myself...

Having HER had given me serenity despite the chaos of my world;

HER smile provides happiness and frees me from the saddest thoughts;

HER nearness and the secured feeling it gives to my solitary life;

What I'm sad about is selfish. I'm sad at God's timing. I am only human. And as a human, I miss HER. I miss HER terribly. I miss HER kiss. I miss HER smile, oh, how I miss HER smile.

I do not wish to speak any further as I am incriminating myself -- but then again if I be incriminated because of her -- I'd rather break the law than break HER passionate heart.

And I would defy thousands of men, become a human shield for the deadly dagger that might be stabbed on me, face the rage of my unknown enemy or fly a thousand miles in a land I was warned not to set foot anymore -- just to see HER smile and give HER the most memorable gift a special woman like HER deserves...

The gift of happiness.

And to the one true person who had captivated my foolish, foolish heart – see you.

Of Chances and Changes

There are some certain things I plan in life...and some things that life brings to me like a surprise gift.

The last one hurted me so much that I told myself I am to shut the part of my life where I am weak most -- my heart.

Not that I can't get over it but I just knew that love isn't one of my things.

Along the way, I've rejected a few people because I thought loving would just entail me to ruin my life and in the end, get a broken heart.

Now I ask myself -- if what I'm doing is right...taking a risk -- giving my heart and my life another chance to become happy with someone I am
most uncertain with yet had revived the flame of love in my slumbering heart.

I have my own fears -- my own qualms about this -- what we have... How things will work despite the distance.

I guess I worry too much -- or just that I am so afraid I might get hurt again.. but that's how the cookie crumbles.. as evitable as life and death,
so is love and pain.

Right now I am happy.

Right now I am thinking of her.

Right now I just want to contain this happiness and never let this go.