If Wishes Were Fishes And I Had A Net...

Whenever I get hurt or is going through a painful phase, I turn to my imaginations to somehow uplift my spirit.

I let my mind wander and just like Peter Pan, I think of my happy moments and this has been my therapy for years.

From death of a loved one to breaking up to realizing all the frustrations I have to being cheated on and so on and so forth, it's in my imagination and creative mind that I find solace without the need to runaway or hide from the source of pain.

I write this not because I am going through an emotional thing nor am I in a hiatus mode. I write because this has been one of my most effective coping up mechanisms in life.

I've been reading a lot in a certain female message board about their loved ones committing infidelity and I can't help but relate. I've been in that shoes one too many times already.

The agony of being, as always, the last to know and not expecting to be hurt by someone you've given up your entire world for; the self-inflicted mental torture you put on yourself looking for reasons why it had to happen -- was it something about the way you look, dress, speak etc.; the pain of having to act as if everything is normal in order to survive the daily jungle of life yet deep down, your fortress are crumbling down; torned between your heart and your mind -- one's asking you to forgive while the other is asking you to forgive then leave and worst of all, crying yourself to sleep at night.

I totally believe that cheating is a personal choice. It has nothing to do with whoever you are with no matter how she/he dresses, acts, speaks etc. After all, why do you have to be in a relationship when in fact you despise your partner? Why not just end it than cause a lot of mess by cheating? While breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend is a lot easier than going separate ways in any given marriage, I think no sane person will choose to sleep with someone who fools around. It's like going to bed with the third party. And nobody has the right to say he/she cheated because the partner gave him/her reasons to.

And I guess the hardest part of all this fiasco is when you've decided to keep the relationship because of what else but love and you try hard to move on. You just cannot trust that easy and the relationship has been dented. I don't know if a relationship such as that will still work out as I am in the process of finding out myself but one thing is absolute - things will never be the same again.

My wounds are all healing but my mind is pestered once in a while by the ugly memories of the past. It's hard and it's taking a lot of time. Forgiveness can never be instant nor done in an overnight, it has to be earned and we're speaking here of months or even years before an ounce of that trust can be rebuilt.

In my mind, there are still questions left unanswered. Questions that haunt me even in my dreams. Questions that had never found any resolution until now.

Perhaps, in due time. When I have no more room for anger and bitterness...

For now, I am at a point in my life where I try to be at peace with myself knowing I had done no wrong and I ought to forgive myself for not being perfect. After all, who is?

If wishes were fishes and I had a net...