The Very Dark Past

I'd been thinking if I should write about this, protecting a part of my past I dare not speak. But I guess I see no reason why I should pass up the opportunity to tell the whole world that there is always hope at the end of the day.

I had quite a handful of boyfriends before I had my first same sex relationship. I never experienced any abuse of any sort with my previous boyfriends that's why when I had a lesbian partner, I thought it'll just be the same but turns out, I was in for a very, very unpleasant surprise.

She's not the butch/dyke type of lesbian. She dresses like a real femme and came from a reputable family from Cebu. She's an IT entrepreneur and a very educated one.

We were together for 7 months and I thank God I mustered the courage to get out of that relationship in no time.

Our first month was sheer bliss -- she'd cook for me, we'd go out a lot and had a great time until she revealed her true self the following month.

She's promiscuous, a liar, a cheater and physically and verbally abusive person.

She went to bed with different women while we were still together and that included having intercourse with her ex-girlfriend who cheated on her for a guy and the ex has a very loose reputation as well. I learned about all of these because I "hacked" her e-mail account when inconsistencies became apparent. I knew it was bad and unclassy of me but what's a girl got to do when the push turned to shove?

Apart from screwing her ex, one night stand were among her fave sexual activities - her chatmates, credit card agents, clients and prospects for her webhosting company -- she would all bed them so long as there was a willing participant.

The greatest revelation though to me came as a shocking one. Her little webhosting company, her condo rental etc were being financed by a Iranian-American guy who's as old as my grandfather and it turned out, they were not just business partners but they were romantically involved.

Talk about perversity!

And when I learned of her indiscretions and confronted her, she was so shocked but a smooth talker that she was and because I was lovefool and inexperienced, I forgave her and that's when my life became hell.

She's verbally abusive to the point that I totally lost my self-esteem and believed I was no good and nobody would ever love me. I let her demean me and my family and I just swallowed her insults. I let her mock my family just because we were not that financially endowed compared to her. I lost the person I used to be.

She didnt stop there though. Apart from her uncontrollable womanizing, she was so physically abusive. I would not want to go into details but let me tell you bruises, hematoma, scratches, bite marks and what-have-you were common during those days. But mind you, she knew where to strike. She wouldn't hit me at those areas which remained visible and concentrated on those that are usually covered. I would go to graduate school everyday as if I had come from an initiation rites and sitting in a chair was a Herculean task.

I was even more afraid of contracting disease because of her promiscuity. I come from a family of doctors and nurses and that would be embarrassing should I acquire any disease. Not to mention, outrightly unhygienic. When I refused all her sexual advances, she got furious and that started most of the beating.

I never told a soul what I was going through. I didnt want to burden anybody nor admit implicitly that taking her as a partner was a mistake.

December 2004, after 7 agonizing months, when I called it quits. I just woke up one morning and it dawned on me that she'd never change. That no matter how hard I try to make her feel that she was loved by me, the abuses wouldnt stop. That by staying longer, I was giving her enough reasons to hurt me in unimaginable ways.

Fast forward 2007. I can say I am happy and at peace now. I am with a lesbian lover who treats me right and accordingly. She knows of my past and had accepted me and taught me that nobody has the right to hurt me or any person for that matter. My family and friends helped me when I was searching for my old self. I am pursuing my dream in the legal profession and has been blessed to be loved by people around me.

Sometimes, smart women commit stupid mistakes. It's what they had learned and the act of preventing themselves to do the same mistakes that matters after coming out of the hell hole.

My ex still communicates with me (the nerve) and wants me back. From what I know, she's financially troubled and has never had any constant lover.

It's called karma, baby and it goes around...